One of the many things for which one can blame the Nazis is the appalling damage they did to the good name of selective breeding. Yet anyone who grew up as I did – a middle-class boy educated in the midst of the sprigs of the aristocracy and their hordes of gorgeous sisters – knows the vast advantages conferred by centuries in which rich, powerful men mated with beautiful women and gave their offspring superior nutrition and plenty of vigorous exercise.
The upper classes are no better than anyone else. But they are a lot better looking. It therefore makes perfect sense to do everything possible to improve the quality of one’s own bloodstock. I have a fine if immature young lad to bring to the transaction. Granted, at the age of 13 he is more of a yearling than a mature stallion. Nonetheless, he has his good points.
Thanks to his mother’s fine genes, he’s a good-looking fellow. If you or your grand-daughters can imagine a considerably more handsome Justin Bieber, you won’t be far off (though he would kill me for saying so). Granted, he’s not an intellectual but, as illustrated by the vast profits accrued as his school’s premier source of illicit breaktime confectionery, he’s got strong entrepreneurial instincts and flawless mental arithmetic.
He is also, I’m proud to say, a thoroughly nice kid, greatly liked by his peers and – for all his tweenage love of violent computer games and loud farts – without a mean bone in his body.
So which lucky girl would deserve this paragon of young manhood? Here are my five.
Miss Watson is surely the perfect daughter in law. Scrumptiously pretty, highly intelligent and quite absurdly rich, she is also a properly brought-up, nice, upper-middle-class girl. The thinking man’s Kate Middleton, one might almost say. Both her parents are lawyers, which might make negotiating the settlement a little tricky (I’m assuming, of course, that she would bring a dowry with her to the union). But that minor quibble aside, I can see no fault in her at all. And that includes her controversial short hairstyle, which looks jolly chic to me. One would have to persuade her to stop acting, of course. An ageing movie star in the family would be far too much of a pain. But she’s clever enough to find something better to do.
While transfixed to Strictly Come Dancing this year, I have been completely won over by the charms of little Chelsee – or as she would say, ‘Chels-EH’. She appears in a series called Waterloo Road, of which I am blissfully ignorant, and is as far from posh as it is possible to get. But one can learn a lot by the way a person dances, and when Chelsee steps on the floor she possesses a natural grace and elegance of which she is charmingly unaware. She has an undiscovered beauty and a delightful sweetness of nature and not only would she bring a good dose of no-nonsense northern lass to our effete southern blood, she’d be a pleasure to have in the family.
The first time I heard Adele she was on the radio explaining that she’d never really heard much about Bob Dylan and didn’t think much of his singing, but her producer had said she should sing one of his songs and it turned out all right. The song in question was To Make You Feel My Love and this gobby London girl had sung it like a young Aretha. Her voice is a thing of wonder. Her songwriting is astonishingly good. She is a magnificent talent… and if she were my son’s other half, by God we’d have some rocking family sing-songs!
At 18, Jodie Williams was at least born in the same decade as my lad. She also shares with him a love of running around. She just runs a little faster, is all. For Jodie Williams is the great hope of British women’s athletics: the World and European junior 100m champion and the European junior 200m champ. Despite the fact that she’ll be sitting her A levels this coming summer, she is still expected to make the finals at both sprint distances and will be a gold medal contender at Rio 2016. Talk about great genes: this girl’s got ’em!
Her (even) younger sister Elle is my nipper’s almost exact contemporary, but at the ripe old age of 17, Dakota is the more established Hollywood actress. Her CV includes 25 released films – including War of the Worlds and The Twilight Saga – with five more in the pipeline and appearances in 16 TV series. Granted, she’s the kind of super-focused, unnaturally professional starlet who would scare the pants off any normal boy: she has posed for a very unfortunate and inappropriate scent advertisement (you have to worry about a brand called Oh, Lola!), and I suspect there may be a showbiz mother in the background. But she and the lad would make very, very pretty grandchildren.
Part one I want my grandchildren by him! says Maggie Alderson