I told him that I adored him that first time. I’ve never told him again. I’ll tell him if I think he needs to hear it. It’s a rare compliment and shouldn’t be diluted or overused.
He made it clear that he and his girlfriend had parted ways amicably and I made it clear that I didn’t want any full time commitment and would never make demands. I’ve spent too much time in previous relationships worrying about what to cook, whether the washing will dry or which football team will win as all those could have a massive impact on the man’s mood. I like being single, I like my own company and I don’t miss treading on eggshells, being taken for granted or feeling invisible.
We’ve been seeing each other for a year and a half. My darkly insecure thoughts that it was just a one night stand or out of sympathy disappeared when he rang me again the next day. The initial intensity has worn off but he knows he can turn to me and I know he’s there in the background.
I sometimes see him from a distance at work and we smile a secret smile at each other and walk on by. Nobody I work with has an inkling of what’s going on between us, which I find amusing. He’s quite a high level manager and I’m the 60-year-old that’s part of the furniture.
Perhaps he’s using me, perhaps I’m using him but sparks fly when we’re together both conversationally and sexually. Am I lucky to have him or is he lucky to have me. Who cares? I can simply gaze at him. I love looking at him – the curve of his top lip, the tiny scar, the colour of his skin. I love the fact that he wants me, which has eased any worries or insecurities The age difference simply doesn’t exist unless we talk about music. I’m not the most confident person in the world but he makes me feel special. He recently said that he only likes beautiful things in his home and then looked at me and said, ‘like you’. I just held my breath then smiled and said nothing. Maybe I imagined it but I don’t think so.
I know that eventually he’ll drift away and I won’t try to get him back. Life is too short not to grab the moment. The older I get, the more selective I get. I know what I like and I’m not afraid to say no to what I don’t. I don’t like wine, I don’t like going out on overpriced office ‘dos’, I don’t like coconut. When we met and instantly clicked I knew it was something special. I work with a couple of hundred men and hadn’t found one of them worthy of more than a quick polite chat until I met him.
He has never made me cry or made me angry. He has never disappointed, bored or annoyed me. He has boosted my self-esteem. He listens to me and values my opinions. I dress better (no more pop socks or unshaven legs) as I never know what or who the day may bring. After 18 months I still find him utterly fascinating to talk to and thoroughly enjoy any time we spend together. He’s tall, dark, handsome, stylish and intelligent. I still melt when I hear him say my name. He is my precious secret and I do not feel guilty. He is like a perfectly delicious, self-indulgent treat and I just wish that I could bottle the way he makes me feel and dab a little on when needed.
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